Saturday, December 6, 2014
I find that actually making my ideas happen is where my shortcomings factor in. I love to think of things and think about things. I have a constant flow of information that I like to read and listen to and this inspires me with new ideas and thoughts frequently. And these ideas get added to my list. I write them down and describe what I think I would like to do. And then……. And then nothing. It fizzles out. That nice long list of ideas and goals and projects that I have generates very little actual action. Nothing gets produced. Nothing gets done. It’s not that I stop thinking about the ideas or topics I have noted. It’s that I just can’t bring myself to make any further progress. I am a world class procrastinator for one. I can always find a reason to put things off or something else I can do instead. Like write down more ideas. I also, as many people probably do, experience significant anxiety about taking any further action on a variety of tasks. This part of making it real creates some real, at least in my mind, fear. Fear of exposing myself to the world, or that one person I have to send this to, to try to move on to the next step. I am afraid I will be rejected. Afraid to be exposed as a fraud. Afraid to succeed? If I take that next step and I am not rejected then I have to do more work and then probably expose myself to even more people and possibly even more rejection. Is it in my head or is it real? I don’t know. Maybe it’s both.
While the fear and anxiety may be real, is it justified? If I am rejected what have I really lost or suffered? There is no real physical threat but the threat is to my psyche and my psyche is very sensitive to that threat. I should be able to overcome it. I tell myself this all the time. It is not logical to fear sending an email, making a phone call, or submitting my photography to an editor. What is the worst that can happen? They can tell me no thanks or just ignore me. And I have been told no in the past and it hasn’t hurt me and it hasn’t closed the doors to those opportunities. I can contact other people with my ideas and get a yes eventually if I keep trying. So why is it that I have such a hard time moving on to this phase of idea and project fulfillment? Perhaps I will never know. Maybe I am not meant to know. It seems so simple. Just write a letter and hit send. But it is so much easier for some reason for me to sit here in my cozy box in my comfort zone where I do not have to take that chance. I don’t have to reach out and make contact and expose myself. Will I ever be truly happy in my career that way? Probably not, but I will be safe. Do I want only to be safe? No I want to be happy. I have spent my whole life with the single-minded idea that I want a career I enjoy and find fulfillment in. SO why is it so hard for me to take the necessary steps to make that happen. Why am I afraid of finding happiness, of fulfilling myself? Maybe I am afraid that after all of this work and thought I will be wrong and I will not be fulfilled by my choice of pursuits. Maybe that is the real fear that is holding me back.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Today on my way home from work I saw this huge soggy dog standing on the sidewalk in the pouring rain. I thought should I stop and check on him. But maybe he's just out front to go potty and their human was watching from the door. Then soggy dog started walking away as I slowly drive by so I pulled over and watched and soggy dog kept walking. I thought am I really going to be the person that runs out in the pouring rain to check on a dog..... Of course I am. This soggy but friendly Newfy was wondering away from home and luckily had a collar and tags on. Thankfully he had only gotten a few houses away from home when I saw him and stopped. So I held his collar and walked him home rang the doorbell and have him back to his human who was very thankful.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
try" to bite it. It seems like he is not really trying to bite us because it feels like if he really wanted to bite us he would. He usually does not successfully bite and he does not keep trying to bite. It's just a quick snap and then it is over. Sometimes his teeth will make contact but not actually bite. Once he bit Debby hard enough to cause some pain. He has never broken the skin or otherwise hurt us. What is most challenging about this behavior is that as far as we can tell there are no warning signs to tell us when he is going to snap at us or indicate that he is unhappy with being petted. So with this very cuddly dog who seems to crave attention and human contact and seems to want to be petted it is hard to determine the best course of action. The other problem with the snapping behavior is that it is relatively infrequent. It does not happen on a regular basis. I doubt if it happens more frequently than maybe once a week at the most and there are times when there are long stretches without it happening and then short periods of time where it happens frequently. In addition to this behavior Caspian appears to have some stereotypic type behaviors such as pacing around the coffee table and spinning that may be associated with anxiety.
So, now the question is what do we do if Cornell also recommends us to euthanize him? How would we handle that situation? They are pretty much the experts in our area and if they don't feel it is a safe situation We may just have to make our peace with that.
We are trying to do what is best by Caspian. We want him to have a happy healthy life without harming anyone.